Long Jokes

A topic for jokes that are more than one or two sentences in length. Can't guarantee if they're any good though XD

Joke #1: A businessman walks into a bank in New York City and asks for the loan officer. He says he is going to Europe on business for two weeks and needs to borrow $5,000.

The bank officer says the bank will need some kind of security for such a loan. So the businessman hands over the keys to a Rolls-Royce parked on the street in front of the bank. Everything checks out, and the bank agrees to accept the car as collateral for the loan. An employee drives the Rolls into the bank's underground garage and parks it there.

Two weeks later, the businessman returns, repays the $5,000 and the interest , which comes to $15.41. The loan officer says, We are very happy to have had your business, and this transaction has worked out very nicely, but we are a little puzzled. While you were away, we checked you out and found that you are a multimillionaire. What puzzles us is; why would you bother to borrow $5,000?

The businessman replied: Where else in New York can I park my car for two weeks for 15 bucks?

Joke #2: A lorry driver is driving 200 penguins to London Zoo when his lorry breaks down on the motorway. The driver gets out of the cab and is looking at the engine when a second lorry driver stops in front of him and asks if he needs help. The penguins' driver explains that he is taking the penguins to the zoo and asks if the other man would
take the penguins there. He agrees.
Some hours later, the 2nd lorry driver drives past the first one, who is still waiting on the motorway. The penguins are still on the lorry, and look happy.
"I thought I asked you to take those penguins to the zoo," shouted the first driver.
The second replied, "I did, but I had some money left, so we're going to the cinema now."

Joke #3: One day a student was taking a very difficult essay exam. At the end of the test, the prof asked all the students to put their pencils down and immediately hand in their tests. The young man kept writing furioulsy, although he was warned that if he did not stop immediately he would be disqualified. He ignored the warning, finished the test 10
minutes later, and went to hand the test to his instructor. The instructor told him he would not take the test.

The student asked, "Do you know who I am?"

The prof said, "No and I don't care."

The student asked again, "Are you sure you don't know who I am?"

The prof again said no. So the student walked over to the pile of tests, placed his in
the middle, then threw the papers in the air.

"Good" the student said, and walked out. He passed.

Joke #4: The first grade class comes in from recess, and Teacher asks Mary, "What did you do at recess?"
Mary says, "I played in the sand box."
Teacher says, "That's good. Go to the blackboard, and if you can write 'sand' correctly, I'll give you a fresh-baked cookie."
She does, and gets a cookie.
Teacher asks Billy what he did at recess.
Billy says, "I played with Mary in sand box."
Teacher says, "Good. If you write 'Box" correctly on blackboard, I'll give you a fresh baked cookie."
Billy does, and gets a cookie.
Teacher then asks Bernie Goldberg what he did at recess.
He says, "I tried to play with Mary and Billy, but they threw rocks at me."
Teacher says, "Threw rocks at you? That sounds like blatant racial discrimination. If you can go the blackboard and write 'blatant racial discrimination' I'll give you a cookie."

Joke #5: An old cowboy dressed to kill with cowboy shirt, hat, jeans, spurs and chaps went to a bar and ordered a drink. As he sat there sipping his whiskey, a young lady sat down next to him.
After she ordered her drink she turned to the cowboy and asked him, "Are you a real cowboy?"
"Well, I have spent my whole life on the ranch herding cows, breaking horses, mending fences... I guess I am," replied the cowboy.
After a short while he asked her what she was.
"I've never been on a ranch so I'm not a cowboy, but I am a lesbian. I spend my whole day thinking about women. As soon as I get up in the morning I think of women, when I eat, shower, watch TV, everything seems to make me think of women," told the young woman.
A short while later she left and the cowboy ordered another drink.
A couple sat down next to him and asked, "Are you a real cowboy?"
"I always thought I was, but I just found out that I'm a lesbian."

Joke #6: This fellow who had spent his whole life in the desert comes to visit a friend.
He'd never seen a train or the tracks they run on.
While standing in the middle of the Rail Road tracks one day, he hears this whistle
-- Whooee da Whoee! -- but doesn't know what it is.

Predictably, he's hit -- but, only a glancing blow -- and is thrown, ass-over-tea-kettle,
to the side of the tracks, with some minor internal injuries, a few broken bones, and some bruises.

After weeks in hospital recovering, he's at his friend's house attending a party, one evening.
While in the kitchen, he suddenly hears the tea kettle whistling.
He grabs a baseball bat from the closet and proceeds to batter and bash the tea kettle into an
unrecognizable lump of metal.

His friend, hearing the ruckus, rushes to the kitchen, sees what's happened and asks the desert man:
"Why'd you ruin my good tea kettle?"

The desert man replies: "Man, you gotta kill these things when they're small."

BWAHAHAHHAHAHHAHAHAHHAHAHAHHAHAHA at #'s 4-6!

*rolling*

Number 4 cracks me up!!

I like #5!
It reminds me of myself

Glad you guys are liking these

Joke #7: Two nuns are ordered to paint a room in the convent, and the last instruction of the Mother Superior
was that they must not get even a drop of paint on their habits.

After conferring about this for a while, the two nuns decide to lock the door,
strip off their habits, and paint in the nude.

In the middle of the project, there was a knock at the door.
"Who is it?" called one of the nuns.
"Blind man," replied a voice from the other side of the door.

The two nuns look at each other and shrug,
deciding that no harm can come from letting a blind man into the room; they open the door.

"Nice boobs," said the man. "Where do you want these blinds?"

Joke #8: One day, a guy dies and finds himself in hell. As he is wallowing in despair, he has his first meeting with a demon:
Demon: Why so glum, chum?
Guy: What do you think? I'm in hell.
Demon: Hell's not so bad. We actually have a lot of fun down here. You a drinkin' man?
Guy: Sure, I love to drink.
Demon: Well, you're gonna love Mondays then. On Mondays, that's all we do is drink. Whiskey, tequila, Guinness, wine coolers, diet Tab... we drink till we throw up and then we drink some more. And if you drink yourself to death, it's okay... you're already dead anyway!
Guy: Gee, that sounds great.
Demon: You a smoker?
Guy: You better believe it.
Demon: Alright! You're gonna love Tuesdays. We get the finest cigars from around the world and smoke our lungs out. If you get cancer, it's okay... you're already dead anyway!
Guy: No Shoes!
Demon: I bet you like to gamble.
Guy: Yes, as a matter of fact I do.
Demon: Good, because Wednesday is gambling day. Craps, blackjack, horse races, you name it. We even opened up a pai gow poker table. And if you loose everything, it's okay... you're already dead anyway!
Guy: Hmmm, I never played pai gow before...
Demon: Well now you can. You like to do drugs?
Guy: Yes, I love to do drugs. You don't mean...
Demon: That's right! Thursday is drug day. Help yourself to a great big bowl of crack. Smoke a doobie the size of a submarine. You can do all the drugs you want, and if you overdose, it's okay... you're already dead anyway!
Guy: yeah! I never realized that hell was such a swingin' place!
Demon: You gay?
Guy: Uh, no.
Demon: Oooh, you're gonna hate Fridays...

Joke #9: Two missionaries were tracting door to door and knocked on the door of a woman who was not happy to see them. She told them in no uncertain terms that she did not want to hear their message and slammed the door in their faces. To her surprise, however, the door did not close -- in fact, it bounced back open. She tried again, really put her back into it, and slammed the door again with the same result -- the door bounced back open. Convinced these rude young people were sticking their foot in the door, she reared back to give it a slam that would teach them a lesson, when one of them said, "Ma'am, before you do that again, you need to move your cat."

Number 9. XDDDD

I feel so bad for cracking up at that. Poor cat.

rofl nice jokes!

ROFLMAO Now I have something to read at work haha Thanks for posting this!

meh want more tho

I love this joke, thought I'd share it...


When Mozart passed away, he was buried in a churchyard. A couple days later, the town drunk was walking through the cemetery and heard some strange noise coming from the area where Mozart was buried.

Terrified, the drunk ran and got the town magistrate to come and listen to it.

When the magistrate arrived, he bent his ear to the grave, listened for a moment, and said, "Ah, yes, that's Mozart's Ninth Symphony, being played backwards."

He listened a while longer, and said, "There's the Eighth Symphony, and it's backwards, too. Most puzzling."

So the magistrate kept listening; "There's the Seventh... the Sixth... the Fifth..."

Suddenly the realization of what was happening dawned on the magistrate; he stood up and announced to the crowd that had gathered in the cemetery, "My fellow citizens, there's nothing to worry about. It's just Mozart decomposing."

number 8 is so not kosher lol

vonhanlon wrote:

I love this joke, thought I'd share it...


When Mozart passed away, he was buried in a churchyard. A couple days later, the town drunk was walking through the cemetery and heard some strange noise coming from the area where Mozart was buried.

Terrified, the drunk ran and got the town magistrate to come and listen to it.

When the magistrate arrived, he bent his ear to the grave, listened for a moment, and said, "Ah, yes, that's Mozart's Ninth Symphony, being played backwards."

He listened a while longer, and said, "There's the Eighth Symphony, and it's backwards, too. Most puzzling."

So the magistrate kept listening; "There's the Seventh... the Sixth... the Fifth..."

Suddenly the realization of what was happening dawned on the magistrate; he stood up and announced to the crowd that had gathered in the cemetery, "My fellow citizens, there's nothing to worry about. It's just Mozart decomposing."

xDD

I loved this.

Supposedly, the longest joke in the world. It's more like a short story for most of it, but at the very end it's got a punch line. I thoroughly enjoyed reading it the first time I saw it.

Rofl, I love these, especially #4. Here's a joke I heard once.

Three men were put in jail. A fourth man went up to their cells and told them he could get them out if they each did something very bad and drank some holy water. The three men glanced at each other and agreed.

On the first day, the first man was released, and he came back an hour or so later. He told the fourth man, "Okay, I did something bad. I robbed a bank." The fourth man shrugged and and gave him some holy water, and freed him from the jail.

The next day, the second man was released. He came back a few hours later, and told hte fourth man "Okay, I did something really bad. I killed a man." The fourth man gave him some holy water and he was free to go.

On the third day, the third man was let out of his cell. As soon as he walked out, he looked at the fourth man and said, "I did something really, really bad. I peed in the holy water three days ago."

I thought this one was pretty funny, but it really didn't make sense to me when I heard it. Why didn't they all just run away instead of going back for hte holy water? xD Still. I laughed.

Ok I heard this one from one of my high school teachers. I got a kick out of it, I hope you guys do too!

So our story is set in one of those rich little neighborhoods where they have their own pool, gatehouse, newspaper and everthing. One of the houses belonged to Raymond Dominick, a wealthy business man. One day, when he was getting ready to leave on a long trip he called over his trusty servant, Arthur. He said "Arthur, I'm going to ask you to do something very important while I'm gone because you've been my truest and longest friend."
And Arthur said "Of course, I'd do anything!"
Mr. Dominick said "I need you to kill my wife. I will pay you $100,000 if you can do this for me."
Without any questions asked Arthur said "Well of course I will but I cannot accept any money from such a great friend as you." Dominick insisted though, that he must pay him something and the two settled for the payment of one dollar. After Mr. Dominick left later that evening, Arthur snuck up on his wife while she was in the drawing room. She spotted him at the last second and screamed before he hit her over the head. The maid from the other room heard the scream and came in to see what was the matter. When Arthur saw her come in he knew she couldn't get away so he strangled her. The bartender from across the hall aslo came in when he heard a scuffle so Arthur had to strangle him too. Soon after all this was done, the police, who were notified by a neighbor of the scream, came and arrested Arthur.
The headline in the newspaper the next day was "Artie Chokes Two for a Dollar at Dominick's!"

Hannah Anne wrote:

The headline in the newspaper the next day was "Artie Chokes Two for a Dollar at Dominick's!"

I didn't get it until I read that part at the end out loud. It made me laugh a lot

i have one, this one made me laugh outloud.

Little Mary was not the best student in Sunday School. Usually she slept through the class. One day the teacher called on her while she was napping, ''Tell me, Mary, who created the universe?'' When Mary didn't stir, little Johnny, an altruistic boy seated in the chair behind her, took a pin and jabbed her in the rear. ''God Almighty !'' shouted Mary and the teacher said, ''Very good'' and Mary fell back to sleep.

A while later the teacher asked Mary, ''Who is our Lord and Savior?'' But Mary didn't even stir from her slumber. Once again, Johnny came to the rescue and stuck her again. ''Jesus Christ!'' shouted Mary and the teacher said, ''Very good,'' and Mary fell back to sleep. Then the teacher asked Mary a third question, ''What did Eve say to Adam after she had her twenty-third child?'' And again, Johnny jabbed her with the pin. This time Mary jumped up and shouted, ''If you stick that damn thing in me one more time, I'll break it in half!'' The Teacher fainted

this joke is hilarious to me. it took me a few seconds to get it, but it was worth it!

There's a guy with a Doberman Pinscher and a guy with a Chihuahua. The guy with the Doberman Pinscher says to the guy with a Chihuahua, "Let's go over to that restaurant and get something to eat."

The guy with the Chihuahua says, "We can't go in there. We've got dogs with us."

The guy with the Doberman Pinscher says, "Just follow my lead." They walk over to the restaurant, the guy with the Doberman Pinscher puts on a pair of dark glasses, and he starts to walk in.

A guy at the door says, "Sorry, mac, no pets allowed."

The guy with the Doberman Pinscher says, "You don't understand. This is my seeing-eye dog."

The guy at the door says, "A Doberman Pinscher?"

He says, "Yes, they're using them now, they're very good."

The guy at the door says, "Come on in."

The guy with the Chihuahua figures, "What the heck," so he puts on a pair of dark glasses and starts to walk in. The guy at the door says, "Sorry, pal, no pets allowed."

The guy with the Chihuahua says, "You don't understand. This is my seeing-eye dog."

The guy at the door says, "A Chihuahua?"

The guy with the Chihuahua says, "You mean they gave me a Chihuahua?"

I like that one a loooot!!! <3

I love #4-9! I'll share a couple.

#1:
Three girls were at a highschool prom. A blonde, a brunette, and a red-head.

A really hot guy walks up and says to the Brunette: "will you dance with me?" The Brunette says: "sorry, I'm concentrating on Matrimony, and I'd really like it to work out."

So the hot guy, a bit depressed, walks up to the red-head and says: "will you please dance with me?" And the red-head says: "Sorry, I'd love to, but I'm concentrating on matrimony, and I really want it to work out."

So now the guy is REALLY depressed. Slowly, he walks over to the blonde, and says:

"Surely you will dance with me?"

And the Blonde, overhearing the other two girls says: "Sorry, I'm constipated on Macaroni and I really need it to work out."



#2:
A blind man and his guide dog enter a bar and find their way to a barstool.

After ordering a drink, and sitting there for a while, the blind guy yells to the bartender, "Hey, you wanna hear a blonde joke?"

The bar immediately becomes absolutely quiet.

In a husky, deep voice, the woman next to him says, "Before you tell that joke, you should know something, the bartender is blonde, the bouncer is blonde, and I'm a 6' tall, 200 lb. blonde with a black belt in karate.

What's more, the woman sitting next to me is blonde and she's a weight lifter. The lady to your right is a blonde, and she's a wrestler. Think about it seriously, Mister. You still wanna tell that joke?"

The blind guy says, "Nah, not if I'm gonna have to explain it five times."

#3:
Ole and Lars, both scandinavian, have a ranch. Unfortunately, after just a few years, they are in financial trouble. In order to keep the bank from repossessing the ranch, they need to purchase a bull so that they can breed their own stock. Upon leaving, Ole Tells Lars, "When I get there, if I decide to buy the bull, I'll contact you to drive out after me and haul it home." Ole and his wife Lena arrive at the man's ranch, inspects the bull, and decides they want to buy it. The man tells her that he will sell it for $599, no less.

After buying him, Ole and Lina drives to the nearest town to send Lars a telegram to tell him the news. They walk into the telegraph office, and tell the people there, "I want to send a telegram to my friend telling him that I've bought a bull for our ranch. I need him to hitch the trailer to our pickup truck and drive out here so we can haul it home."

The telegraph operator explains that he'll be glad to help them, then adds, "It's just 99 cents a word."

Ole said to Lena: "wow dat's expensiv, we coud only use 1 word." So after thinking about it for a while, they agree on a word.

Ole says: "I want you to send Lars the word "comfortable". The telegraph operator shakes his head. "How is he ever going to know that you want him to hitch the trailer to your pickup truck and drive out here to haul that bull back to your ranch if you send him the word, "comfortable?'"

The Ole explains, "Lars is very slow sometimes. The word's big. He'll read it slow. - - - -
("com-for-da-bul" )


#4
Being a parent changes everything. But being a parent also changes with each baby. Here are some of the ways having a second and third child is different from having your first.

Your Clothes

1st baby: You begin wearing maternity clothes as soon as your OB/GYN confirms your pregnancy.
2nd baby: You wear your regular clothes for as long as possible.

3rd baby: Your maternity clothes ARE your regular clothes.

---------------

Preparing for the Birth

1st baby: You practice your breathing religiously.

2nd baby: You don't bother practicing because you remember that last time, breathing didn't do a thing.

3rd baby: You ask for an epidural in your 8th month.

---------------

The Layette

1st baby: You pre-wash your newborn's clothes, color-coordinate them, and fold them neatly in the baby's little bureau.

2nd baby: You check to make sure that the clothes are clean and discard only the ones with the darkest stains.

3rd baby: Boys can wear pink, can't they?

---------------

Worries

1st baby: At the first sign of distress - a whimper, a frown-you pick up the baby.

2nd baby: You pick the baby up when her wails threaten to wake your firstborn.

3rd baby: You teach your 3-year-old how to rewind the mechanical swing.

---------------

Pacifier

1st baby: If the pacifier falls on the floor, you put it away until you can go home and wash and boil it.

2nd baby: When the pacifier falls on the floor, you squirt it off with some juice from the baby's bottle.

3rd baby: You wipe it off on your shirt and pop it back in.

---------------

Diapering

1st baby: You change your baby's diapers every hour, whether they need it or not.

2nd baby: You change their diaper every 2 to 3 hours, if needed.

3rd baby: You try to change their diaper before others start to complain about the smell or you see it sagging to their knees.

---------------

Activities

1st baby: You take your infant to Baby Gymnastics, BabySwing, and Baby Story Hour.

2nd baby: You take your infant to Baby Gymnastics.

3rd baby: You take your infant to the supermarket and the dry cleaner.

---------------

Going Out

1st baby: The first time you leave your baby with a sitter, you call home 5 times.

2nd baby: Just before you walk out the door, you remember to leave a number where you can be reached.

3rd baby: You leave instructions for the sitter to call only if she sees blood.

---------------

At Home

1st baby: You spend a good bit of every day just gazing at the baby.

2nd baby: You spend a bit of everyday watching to be sure your older child isn't squeezing, poking, or hitting the baby.

3rd baby: You spend a little bit of every day hiding from the children.

---------------

Swallowing Coins

1st child: when first child swallows a coin, you rush the child to the hospital and demand x-rays.

2nd child: when 2nd child swallows a coin, you carefully watch for coin to pass.

3rd child: when 3rd child swallows a coin you deduct it from his allowance!!


(dang my parents, I was the 3rd and youngest child in the family. Dang!
)

lol, I've baby sat so many kids and so many nieces and nephews I was already at the second or third stage in all of these when I got my little brother. (who is 3 now)

animalgirl7011 wrote:

i have one, this one made me laugh outloud.

Little Mary was not the best student in Sunday School. Usually she slept through the class. One day the teacher called on her while she was napping, ''Tell me, Mary, who created the universe?'' When Mary didn't stir, little Johnny, an altruistic boy seated in the chair behind her, took a pin and jabbed her in the rear. ''God Almighty !'' shouted Mary and the teacher said, ''Very good'' and Mary fell back to sleep.

A while later the teacher asked Mary, ''Who is our Lord and Savior?'' But Mary didn't even stir from her slumber. Once again, Johnny came to the rescue and stuck her again. ''Jesus Christ!'' shouted Mary and the teacher said, ''Very good,'' and Mary fell back to sleep. Then the teacher asked Mary a third question, ''What did Eve say to Adam after she had her twenty-third child?'' And again, Johnny jabbed her with the pin. This time Mary jumped up and shouted, ''If you stick that damn thing in me one more time, I'll break it in half!'' The Teacher fainted

I laughed at this one probably more than I should have

girlcrush12 wrote:

#2:
A blind man and his guide dog enter a bar and find their way to a barstool.

After ordering a drink, and sitting there for a while, the blind guy yells to the bartender, "Hey, you wanna hear a blonde joke?"

The bar immediately becomes absolutely quiet.

In a husky, deep voice, the woman next to him says, "Before you tell that joke, you should know something, the bartender is blonde, the bouncer is blonde, and I'm a 6' tall, 200 lb. blonde with a black belt in karate.

What's more, the woman sitting next to me is blonde and she's a weight lifter. The lady to your right is a blonde, and she's a wrestler. Think about it seriously, Mister. You still wanna tell that joke?"

The blind guy says, "Nah, not if I'm gonna have to explain it five times."

xDDD

I loved this one so much that I had to share it with a few people. Hahah. <3

LAWL al the jokes are great XD

Catherine wrote:

Supposedly, the longest joke in the world. It's more like a short story for most of it, but at the very end it's got a punch line. I thoroughly enjoyed reading it the first time I saw it.

^ I read this one, and loved itXD



10. Two builders (Chris and James) are seated either side of a table in a rough pub when a well-dressed man enters, orders a beer and sits on a stool at the bar.

The two builders start to speculate about the occupation of the suit.

Chris: -I reckon he's an accountant.

James: -No way - he's a stockbroker.

Chris: -He ain't no stockbroker! A stockbroker wouldn't come in here!

The argument repeats itself for some time until the volume of beer gets the better of Chris and he makes for the toilet.

On entering the toilet he sees that the suit is standing at a urinal.

Curiosity and the several beers get the better of the builder...

Chris: -Scuse me.... no offence meant, but me and me mate were wondering what you do for a living?

Suit: -No offence taken! I'm a Logical Scientist by profession!

Chris: -Oh! What's that then?

Suit:-I'll try to explain by example... Do you have a goldfish at home?

Chris:-Er...mmm... well yeah, I do as it happens!

Suit: -Well, it's logical to follow that you keep it in a bowl or in a pond. Which is it?

Chris: -It's in a pond!

Suit: -Well then it's reasonable to suppose that you have a large garden then?

Chris: -As it happens, yes I have got a big garden!

Suit: -Well then it's logical to assume that in this town that if you have a large garden that you have a large house?

Chris: -As it happens I've got a five bedroom house... built it myself!

Suit: -Well given that you've built a five bedroom house it is logical to assume that you haven't built it just for yourself and that you are quite probably married?

Chris: -Yes I am married, I live with my wife and three children!

Suit: -Well then it is logical to assume that you are sexually active with your wife on a regular basis?

Chris:-Yep! Four nights a week!

Suit: -Well then it is logical to suggest that you do not masturbate very often?

Chris: -Me? Never

Suit: -Well there you are! That's logical science at work!

Chris:-How's that then?

Suit: -Well from finding out that you had a goldfish, I've told you about the size of garden you have, the size of house, your family and your sex life!

Chris: -I see! That's pretty impressive... thanks mate!

Both leave the toilet and Chris returns to his mate.

James: -I see the suit was in there. Did you ask him what he does?

Chris: -Yep! He's a logical scientist!

James: -What's that then?

Chris: -I'll try and explain. Do you have a goldfish?

James: -Nope

Chris: -Well then, you're a w a n k e r.


11. This guy dies and meets St. Peter at the pearly gates. Peter gets out his book on this guy's life and says, "You know, you've lived a pretty average life, You haven't done anything so bad that I would feel really right about sending you down below, but you haven't really done anything that good either. I'll tell you what--if you can tell me just one thing you did during your life that was really good, I'll let you in."
The guy says, "okay, well I was driving down the highway when I saw this gang of bikers assaulting this girl. So I slammed on my brakes, grabbed my tire iron, jumped out of my car and ran straight at the leader of the pack. He was huge, with a mohawk haircut, hairy all over, and he had a huge link chain running from his nose to his ear. So I grabbed his chain, pulled as hard as I could, and whapped him on the head. Then I turned to his gang and screamed, 'who wants some of this!! Who wants some pain!!!'"
St. Peter is extremely impressed, and says, "wow, I had no idea. That is really something. When did this happen?"
And the guy says, "oh, about 2 minutes ago."

12. A few months ago, there was an opening with the CIA for an assassin. These highly classified positions are hard to fill, and there's a lot of testing and background checks involved before you can even be considered for the position. After sending some applicants through the background checks, training and testing, they narrowed the possible choices down to 2 men and a woman, but only one position was available. The day came for the final test to see which person would get the extremely secretive job. The CIA men administering the test took one of the men to a large metal door and handed him a gun. "We must know that you will follow your instructions no matter what the circumstances," they explained. "Inside this room, you will find your wife sitting in a chair. Take this gun and kill her." The man looked shocked and said, "You can't be serious! I could never shoot my own wife!" "Well," says the CIA man, "you're definitely not the right man for this job then." So they brought the second man to the same door and handed him a gun. "We must know that you will follow instructions no matter what the circumstances," they explained to the second man. "Inside you will find your wife sitting in a chair. Take this gun and kill her." The second man looked a bit shocked, but nevertheless took the gun and went into the room. All was quiet for about five minutes, then the door opened. He came out with tears in his eyes. "I tried to shoot her, I just couldn't pull the trigger and shoot my wife. I guess I'm not the right man for the job." "No," the CIA man replied, "You don't have what it takes. Take your wife and go home." Now they were down to the woman left to test. Again they led her to the same door to the same room and handed her the same gun. "We must be sure that you will follow instructions no matter what the circumstances. This is your final test. Inside you will find your husband sitting in a chair. Take this gun and kill him." The woman took the gun and opened the door. Before the door even closed all the way, the CIA heard the gun start firing. One shot after another for thirteen shots. Then all hell broke loose in the room. They heard screaming, crashing, banging on the walls. This went on for several minutes, then all went quiet. The door opened slowly, and there stood the woman. She wiped the sweat from her brow and said, "You guys didn't tell me the gun was loaded with blanks! I had to beat him to death with the chair!"



-_- Not guaranteed to be funny...