Long Jokes

Recently we have received credible intelligence that there have been seven terrorists working in your office.
Fortunately, six of the seven have been apprehended.
Bin Sleepin,
Bin Loafin,
Bin Goofin,
Bin Lunchin,
Bin Drinkin and
Bin Behind-Kissin
have all been taken into custody.
At this time, no one fitting the description of the seventh cell member, Bin Workin, has been found at your office.
We are confident that anyone who looks like he's Bin Workin will be very easy to spot.
You are OBVIOUSLY not a suspect at this time.

Another few for you:

1. I had eighteen bottles of whiskey in my cellar and was told by my wife to empty the contents of each and every one down the sink, or else… I said I would and proceeded with the unpleasant task.

I withdrew the cork from the first bottle and poured the whiskey down the sink with the exception of one glass, which I drank.

I then withdrew the cork from the second bottle and did likewise with it, with the exception of one glass, which I drank.

I then withdrew the cork from the third bottle and poured the whiskey down the sink which I drank.

I pulled the cork from the fourth bottle down the sink and poured the bottle down the glass, which I drank.

I pulled the bottle from the cork of the next and drank one sink out of it, and threw the rest down the glass.

I pulled the sink out of the next glass and poured the cork down the bottle.

Then I corked the sink with the glass, bottled the drink and drank the pour.

When I had everything emptied, I steadied the house with one hand, counted the glasses, corks, bottles and sinks with the other, which were twenty-nine, and as the houses came by I counted them again, and finally I had all the houses in one bottle, which I drank.

I’m not under the affluence of incohol as some tinkle peep I am. I’m not half as thunk as you might drink. I fool so feelish I don’t know who is me, and the drunker I stand here, the longer I get.



2. After being nearly snowbound for two weeks last winter, a Seattle man departed for his vacation in Miami Beach, where he was to meet his wife the next day at the conclusion of her business trip to Minneapolis. They were looking forward to pleasant weather and a nice time together.

Unfortunately, there was a some sort of a mix up at the boarding gate, and the man was told he would have to wait for a later flight. He tried to appeal to a supervisor but was told the airline was not responsible for the problem and it would do no good to complain.
Upon arrival at the hotel the next day, he discovered that Miami Beach was having a heatwave, and its weather was almost as uncomfortably hot as Seattle’s was cold. The desk clerk gave him a message that his wife would arrive as planned. He could hardly wait to get to the pool area to cool off, and quickly sent his wife an email message, but due to his haste he made an error in the address. His message therefore arrived at the home of an elderly preacher’s wife whose even older husband had died only the day before.

When the grieving widow opened her email, she took one look at the monitor, let out an anguished scream, and fell to the floor dead. Her family rushed to her room where they saw this message on the screen:

“Dearest wife, Departed yesterday as you know. Just now got checked in. Some confusion at the gate. Appeal was denied. Received confirmation of your arrival tomorrow.
Your loving husband.
P.S. Things are not as we thought. You’re going to be surprised at how hot it is down here.”



FINALLY: A Christmas Recipe:
Vodka & Red Bull Christmas Cake

Ingredients
• 1 cup water
• 1 cup of brown sugar
• 1 tsp baking soda
• 1 cup of sugar
• 1 tsp salt
• Lemon juice
• 4 large eggs
• Nuts
• 1 bottle of Vodka
• 1 can of Red Bull
• 2 cups dried fruit

Method
1. Sample the vodka to check the quality.
2. Take a large bowl, check the vodka again.
3. To be sure it is of the highest quality, pour one level cup and mix with a little Red Bull and drink
4. Repeat
5. Turn on the electric mixer, beat one cup of butter in a large fluffy bowl
6. Add one teaspoon of sugar. Beat again
7. At this point it is best to make sure the vodka is still ok
8. Flavour with Red Bull to taste
9. Try another cup – just in case turn off the mixerer.
10. Break two leggs and add to the bowl and chuck in the cup of dried fruit.
11. Pick fruit off floor
12. Mix on the turner.
13. If the dried fruit gets stuck in the beaterers, pry it loose with a drewscriver.
14. Shample the vodka to check for tonsisticitity, flavour with a little Bed Rull.
15. Next ssiffft two cups of salt. Or something … Who giveshz a shi**
16. Throw a pinch of Bed Rull over your shoulder
17. Pick up the can, mop the floor
18. Check the vodka
19. Now shift the lemon juice and strain your nuts.
20. Add one table.
21. Add a shpoon of shugar, or somefink. Whatever you can find.
22. Turn the cake tin 360 degrees and try not to fall over..
23. Don’t forget to beat off the turner
24. Finally, throw the bowl out the window, finish the vodka and kick the dog
25. Fall into bed

CHERRY MISTMAS!

Selly J Watson wrote:

Another few for you:

1. I had eighteen bottles of whiskey in my cellar and was told by my wife to empty the contents of each and every one down the sink, or else… I said I would and proceeded with the unpleasant task.

I withdrew the cork from the first bottle and poured the whiskey down the sink with the exception of one glass, which I drank.

I then withdrew the cork from the second bottle and did likewise with it, with the exception of one glass, which I drank.

I then withdrew the cork from the third bottle and poured the whiskey down the sink which I drank.

I pulled the cork from the fourth bottle down the sink and poured the bottle down the glass, which I drank.

I pulled the bottle from the cork of the next and drank one sink out of it, and threw the rest down the glass.

I pulled the sink out of the next glass and poured the cork down the bottle.

Then I corked the sink with the glass, bottled the drink and drank the pour.

When I had everything emptied, I steadied the house with one hand, counted the glasses, corks, bottles and sinks with the other, which were twenty-nine, and as the houses came by I counted them again, and finally I had all the houses in one bottle, which I drank.

I’m not under the affluence of incohol as some tinkle peep I am. I’m not half as thunk as you might drink. I fool so feelish I don’t know who is me, and the drunker I stand here, the longer I get.



2. After being nearly snowbound for two weeks last winter, a Seattle man departed for his vacation in Miami Beach, where he was to meet his wife the next day at the conclusion of her business trip to Minneapolis. They were looking forward to pleasant weather and a nice time together.

Unfortunately, there was a some sort of a mix up at the boarding gate, and the man was told he would have to wait for a later flight. He tried to appeal to a supervisor but was told the airline was not responsible for the problem and it would do no good to complain.
Upon arrival at the hotel the next day, he discovered that Miami Beach was having a heatwave, and its weather was almost as uncomfortably hot as Seattle’s was cold. The desk clerk gave him a message that his wife would arrive as planned. He could hardly wait to get to the pool area to cool off, and quickly sent his wife an email message, but due to his haste he made an error in the address. His message therefore arrived at the home of an elderly preacher’s wife whose even older husband had died only the day before.

When the grieving widow opened her email, she took one look at the monitor, let out an anguished scream, and fell to the floor dead. Her family rushed to her room where they saw this message on the screen:

“Dearest wife, Departed yesterday as you know. Just now got checked in. Some confusion at the gate. Appeal was denied. Received confirmation of your arrival tomorrow.
Your loving husband.
P.S. Things are not as we thought. You’re going to be surprised at how hot it is down here.”



FINALLY: A Christmas Recipe:
Vodka & Red Bull Christmas Cake

Ingredients
• 1 cup water
• 1 cup of brown sugar
• 1 tsp baking soda
• 1 cup of sugar
• 1 tsp salt
• Lemon juice
• 4 large eggs
• Nuts
• 1 bottle of Vodka
• 1 can of Red Bull
• 2 cups dried fruit

Method
1. Sample the vodka to check the quality.
2. Take a large bowl, check the vodka again.
3. To be sure it is of the highest quality, pour one level cup and mix with a little Red Bull and drink
4. Repeat
5. Turn on the electric mixer, beat one cup of butter in a large fluffy bowl
6. Add one teaspoon of sugar. Beat again
7. At this point it is best to make sure the vodka is still ok
8. Flavour with Red Bull to taste
9. Try another cup – just in case turn off the mixerer.
10. Break two leggs and add to the bowl and chuck in the cup of dried fruit.
11. Pick fruit off floor
12. Mix on the turner.
13. If the dried fruit gets stuck in the beaterers, pry it loose with a drewscriver.
14. Shample the vodka to check for tonsisticitity, flavour with a little Bed Rull.
15. Next ssiffft two cups of salt. Or something … Who giveshz a shi**
16. Throw a pinch of Bed Rull over your shoulder
17. Pick up the can, mop the floor
18. Check the vodka
19. Now shift the lemon juice and strain your nuts.
20. Add one table.
21. Add a shpoon of shugar, or somefink. Whatever you can find.
22. Turn the cake tin 360 degrees and try not to fall over..
23. Don’t forget to beat off the turner
24. Finally, throw the bowl out the window, finish the vodka and kick the dog
25. Fall into bed

CHERRY MISTMAS!

I died laughing at the last two, only because in the last one: "Now shift the lemon juice and strain your nuts."

You know how terrible that sounds? *dies laughing*

This one could offend some, but it made me lol:)

13. There are three blondes washed up on an island.

Suddenly a fairy appears and offers to grant each one of them one wish.

The first blonde asks to be intelligent.

Instantly, she is turned Into a brown haired woman and she swims off the island.

The next one asks to be even more intelligent than the previous one, so instantly she is turned into a ravishing redhead. The redhead builds a boat and sails off the island.

The third blonde asks to become even more intelligent than the previous two. The fairy turns her into a man, and he walks across the bridge.